I never considered myself to be a bad daughter let alone a selfish daughter. But that's what my mom called me today and boy that really hurt. She might as well have stabbed me in the heart with those sharp vicious words today. How could she have said those words to me? I was and still am so heartbroken. I don't think I will forget those words that were said to me.
I don't send her and dad on a trip? I don't buy them expensive things. I am selfish because I don't spend lots of money on them? Why is it that money is always the topic that comes from both my parents and my in-laws? It really bugs me.
It makes this whole Christmas season so stressful and just down right stupid. What happened to gifts from the heart? What about homemade gifts or just gifts that may not be super expensive??? I don't understand. It's times like this that I wish I could just go far away and not have to deal with any of this.
You know I try so hard to be smart with money and use it wisely for family. I try to buy good food for the family, and get the stuff that are necessities. I try so hard not to waste money because I am just a stay-at-home wife. I guess I kind of understand why I put myself down. It's because my mom makes me feel guilty for not working. I think my mother-in-law and definitely my sister-in-law make me feel like that. Maybe if I win the lottery I can shut everyone up and they will all let me be and be happy...oh wait! I DID buy a David Yurman necklace for my mother-in-law one time and she HATED it. She HATED it so much that my sister-in-law called David giving him crap about who with the right mind would wear something as hideous as that! If they only knew how much money and thought I spent getting this designer cross necklace that was seen on Oprah's Top Gift List. That was so hurtful that I have never forgotten about it. And when December rolls around I am always reminded about that. It still hurts...
When birthday and Christmas comes up I try so hard to find meaningful and special gifts for the parents and in-laws. But each year I seem to fail because the gifts are not worth tons of money with name brand on it. If I ever decided to knit or bake some good desserts or jams or salad dressing, and give that as a gift, do you know what kind of names I would be called? A super selfish CHEAP daughter. Who cares if I made it from scratch and made it with love and laughter? What would make me a good daughter? Giving them a check for few thousands of dollars for a trip, or for an expensive outfit or something.
I'm so sad. I just pray that GOD will hug me right at this moment, mend my sad and broken heart, and tell me it is okay AND I am a good daughter, a good wife, and a good mother to Emily.
At this moment I feel like a total failure...what a wonderful pre-Christmas gift I received today from my mom.
