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Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Moping Around In My Triangle...

Bring me joy...Bring me peace...And I know there will be days when life brings me pain, but if that is what it takes to praise you, then Jesus bring the rain. You're much greater than the pain...so I pray bring me joy...bring me a chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory.

I heard these lyric on the radio and felt like it was my prayer to God especially asking him to bring me joy. Today Emily mentioned to me that she thinks she's not going to have a good day because mommy will be in a bad mood. Oh how awful to have your child think like that. That is when my heart broke inside and I turned on the radio. And I heard these lyrics. So I hope and pray that God will bring me joy and bring me peace. I used to be such a happy person filled with lots of joy and love for life. With so much responsibility to be a good wife and mom is stressing me out. There are folks including my parents who think a stay-at-home mom is not one who is busy; rather has a luxury life of watching tv, eating bon bons, going shopping, sleeping, doing whatever the heck I want. Well I do have time but not all of my free time goes to doing things for myself. It's one thing if I wasn't a wife and a mom, then I could do all of the selfish stuff. But sometimes when I do feel like doing selfish stuff for myself, then I feel extremely guilty.

Back in college I wrote an article to Baltimore Sun called LOVE STINKS. It was a very pessimistic article but it was such a release to write something like that. Lately that's how I feel instead it would be called LIFE STINKS.
Have you ever have those days that you want to say, "I just don't care" and be the nice cop? I play a bad cop at home especially to Emily so that she gets her exercises done to strengthen her calf muscles (slant board exercise, up and down stairs repetition exercise, piano, homework). But that gets conflicted with the dog Louie. I understand she wants to play with Louie or just hold him like a baby while watching TV. Well that would be what a good cop would allow her to do. Have her eat chocolate chip cookies, watch all the shows she wants, and hold Louie like a baby all afternoon. Sometimes I want to say, "I don't care, Emily. Do whatever you want." But I can't seem to do that. She's my little baby and I can't let her do that. So in that sense, I am the bad cop...bad mood mommy!
I suck at being a mom. I think I am better being in the workforce. This job as a mom is hard and lately I feel like I can't get it and I'm failing at this.
On top of that, my bad mood seeps out to David and I am a bad wife too. Bad mood wife. I don't even want to ask where that can go but I hate myself for feeling or giving off that bad energy to him. Pretty soon he'll want to work late and not come home so he doesn't have to deal with bad mood wife. On top of that, there is a dog Louie in our house. A quiet little dog that I call KITTY because he is so quiet. But he's my third triangle in this bad mood person. What and why? He peeeeeed on me when I was holding him one evening. He peeed on ME on my pajamas!!! ewwwhhh!!!! Isn't that disrespect? Isn't that the dog's way of saying, "I disrespect you???" That didn't sit well with me.

Have to get used to and accept him as part of our family. And it is an adjustment that I am having difficulty with. I know I should say I don't care and just live with it. But my stubbornness can't seem to accept that. So bad mood mommy, bad mood wife, bad mood dog owner.

I hope this bad mood person will leave really soon because it really hurts me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am tired of snapping at everyone around me. I just want to stop and not snap at anyone. If I have to, I would like to just snap at myself and afflict myself with the pain and the meanness that I am jabbing everyone that I love even to my parents. Maybe a good cry would do; but I can't even cry.

God, I am so selfish ...Give me words to speak...I can't think of anything to say to YOU...please don't let my spirits sleep...Every night, every day I found that I have nothing to say...I am just waiting for your guidance. Just don't understand. Just don't understand. I feel so self destructive...God I owe you my life...Please give me your guidance and wisdom. Please change my heart, O God.

I hope this is just a very long drawn out PMS or something because if I go on this path, this will just not be good for the entire family. And why spill my misery and bad mood onto my family members huh?

Maybe I just need to hear, "you're doing great!" or words of encouragement from a friend or family member. Little things always make me happy and pretty much cheers me up. But when you do something for yourself to cheer yourself up, it doesn't have the same feel as the one that you get from a friend or something. I am often reminded of a very respected lay leaders from my old church in Maryland (Bethel Presbyterian Church). The couple's name is Web and Sharon Lippert. Web would share that he always brings these yellow daffodils for his wife Sharon everyday because those flowers remind him of Sharon. It was so sweet and romantic. And you see how these older couple really have genuine deep love. Such little thing but so priceless, isn't it? Sometimes when I hear praise music I feel like God is singing those words to me and telling me that he loves me and he is there for me. I guess I realized I need to hear it, receive it, and just embrace it......blah blah blah....I can babble on and on like I used to do in my journal. Well it's therapeutic to write this down. I hope later on when I read back at this page, I can laugh and say, "what in the world was I up to? Why so depressed and mean?" I hope so...I hope so...