HOT HOT HOT

Monday, 03 September 2007

• Labor Day - HOT HOT HOT!

  Wow! What a hot and humid day here in Irvine! I feel like we are in Dallas from what this weather feels like....Well life has been somewhat chaotic or at least in my mind. I realized that when life is in chaos I got bonkers and bizerk! I used to love chaos when I was in my 20s because it was considered "FUN" and something to do. But now that there are responsibilities like wanting to be a good wife, good mom, chaos brings about failure to me. And therefore, I get stressed and adjitated with everything. And so that is how I do feel.

  With Emily starting kindergarten this Thursday, I think I had plans on what I wanted to do with her in August before she started school. But I haven't been able to do any of that. I guess Emily is also changing and expressing her own personality. I think that there is some clashing personality with her and me. I need to loosen up. I have been desperate and feel the need to reach out for "HELP" so I picked up a book by Cheri Fuller called When Mother Prays for her Child (or something like that...I don't remember the exact name of the title). I try to read one chapter a night before going to bed in hopes of getting some inspiration and strength through God's words. And most of the time I do, but it pretty much fizzles the next day.

  David does everything for Louie as far as taking him out early in the morning and late at night to go potty. I think with Louie around Emily's whole schedule and priority have changed. I guess the way I want to keep a schedule has gone out the window! I think I have come to realize that I am not a dog person. I like playing with someone else's dog. There was more freedom and control prior to Louie.You know what it is? I think I realized something. If I can't do something 100% I don't want to do it at all. Louie is a wonderful puppy. He is quiet and small. He doesn't annoy me that much. But he is a dog and I don't know how to enjoy my freedom with a presence of a dog. I mean, if we have him I need to take care of him. And that's where my stress has started. And since David is doing so much to take care of a dog, I feel like I am failing him as a wife by not being able to handle living with a dog and not being that happy wife and mom that I was cut out to be....ugh! arrh!!! I feel like Charlie Brown just wanting to scream.

  Also wanting to be a good wife for David? Well since I don't help or really want to help with Louie, I feel like a failure of a wife in that arena too! So you know when you start to fail, you have no desire to improve. Well that's where I feel....hmmm--- should I be on an anti-depressent? Sometimes I feel like having a gulp of a hard drink would help. But I know deep down that doesn't. It's one thing if I did not know what alchohol can do to one's feelings, but I do. Plus, since I ruin my system from drinking, my system won't even tolerate hard liquor. So that' s out the door.

  I just need to ask God to snap me out of this.

  I do hate how I feel these days. And it's not fun nor good for my health anyways...I have massive headache on the right side of my brain; my right hip and side hurts alot; my right arm and fingers even hurt too. Ouch! Should I take more than recommended dosage of advil??? Oh what a cynical side of me....what's scary is that the cynical side of me is creeeping out again....oh no!!!! STOP!

  Well just feel like babbling. I was about to before our power went out in Irvine today. So I am sitting at my parents house in Lake Forest and decided to do some blog. I should make this private because people who read this may think I am crazy, insane, or even just spoiled. Some people are probably thinking, "oh just grow up! Suck it up! Snap out of it!" Well if you do have a feeling, please keep it to yourself because I am also very defensive too! So my snappy attitude may go out towards you too!

  What would make me happy right now? Well it's my blog so I can say and write whatever I WANT:
  I stepped up and never mentioned a furry four legged creature. We return from St Louis and work on having another child. I am taking herbal medicine to get pregnant. Well that's going nowhere because I am so out there with stress and the last thing on my mind is wanting or ready to get pregnant. Shoot! Go and enjoy each other's company...Spend time with Emily by getting her ready for school, etc...I feel bad at how I feel about Louie because he is a good dog. Will my heart change?

  Okay. Time for dinner. Gotta go! Will write more babbles by moi later!